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Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

8119 ratings | 473576 views
This talk was given at a local TEDxSnoIsleLibraries event and produced independently of the TED Conferences. Sarri Gilman has found that clear boundaries enhance relationships and the quality of life. Sarri is author of “Transform Your Boundaries,” which she based on insights gleaned from decades of experience as a marriage and family therapist. She is the founder of two organizations that support the needs of children and teens facing homelessness. In both, she created partnerships and unique programs to increase the chances of success for youth in overwhelming circumstances. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
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Text Comments (426)
Sharon Joan (4 days ago)
Ahh such a soothing way of hearing what some would call ‘selfish’ behavior. I’m not a device. I will love myself. I will step away when my inner voice is saying no. Thank you
mfr mll (4 days ago)
I CANNOT SURVIVE these circumstances WITHOUT VIABLE professional AND TRUE PERSONAL support ..... .. and I am the ONLY LIVING ENTITY who CAN SAY NO or YES when Tsunamis strike. Even during NDEs, individuals are faced with CHOICE ......
Emma Celene (24 days ago)
this is one of my favorite talks i’ve ever seen. 🙏🏽 thank you!!!!
Human Again (24 days ago)
Great talk! I love your calm, soothing voice. I am learning how important boundaries are. They help you learn who the good people are in your life. If you have narcissistic abusers in your life and you try and set boundaries, you will get gaslit, yelled at, thrown off the pedestal they put you on, and they will project all their stuff on you and blame you for any difficulties they are having in life. Walk toward people who respect your boundaries, and run away from those who can't.
Millie Parham (27 days ago)
Simply Amazing!
Phoenix D (1 month ago)
Thank you 💜🌹
Stephanie Kelly (1 month ago)
So true!
susan brandt (1 month ago)
Good video. Thanks for the post.
MC Shurett (1 month ago)
she is so likable and this info is golden
Gwen (1 month ago)
I love this speaker and her message! Meaningful.
Gillie Gillie (1 month ago)
Sarri loved, loved, loved this talk. I can tell you were speaking from your heart and meant every word you said. Thank you.
Miriam Cassar (1 month ago)
What a great lady - great talker. I didn't want this to stop. Very inspirational
libbylum (1 month ago)
I broke down this year at work. Didn't know how to keep up, and I loved my job and the importance of it. I lost my compass. I've since found it, and am trying self care every day.
R C (1 month ago)
I like setting boundaries, it's an expression of love for yourself...
Rod Brogan (1 month ago)
Wow. I REALLY needed this one.
Erin Laemmle (1 month ago)
Great! 👍🏻
Kail Jones (2 months ago)
thank you soo much!
sunshine (2 months ago)
both parents were narcisstic, did not know I could have needs. Did not know how to set boundaries, learning to say No and realizing people get mad when you do, calling you selfish and other choice words but it feels good to not care and finally start caring about me.
Reyam Faisal (2 months ago)
The best i ever heard, thanks alot
Caleb Ransom (2 months ago)
This is really accurate and the feeling is mutual with your past!
Sharon Young (2 months ago)
Thank you for this simple but profound talk. I so enjoyed it.
Jazmin Elise (2 months ago)
This was an amazing talk! I needed to hear this since I grew up in a narcissist family which I didn’t realize until 2016 even though I could see as a child that something was wrong starting with the horrible treatment to me from my mother and my father and my father’s wife and other toxic relatives. I’m struggling to set boundaries but it starts with my compass. I really appreciated this!
Leah Briones (2 months ago)
Thank you Sarri. Beautiful talk. I believe I have a great, happy and free life overall because I’ve been doing boundary work. Yep- not always easy (going with the ‘no’s are always accompanied by a degree of self doubt and deprecation), and thanks to your talk I can appropriate the challenging times to simply sweating a bit! And thanks to your talk, my courage to keep my boundaries/self-care has been strengthened.
Felix Johnbull (2 months ago)
I don't allow everyone into my life. When it comes to friendship,i am extremely fussy (picky). At the moment i don't have friends and i am happy. No friends,no problems .
dee bee (2 months ago)
I thought the Debbie machine had done a ted talk 😝
Tom J (2 months ago)
My x kept begging for cuddles and I said on one condition that she watched this video. She said the speakers voice was annoying and kept begging and shut the video off. Sigh. Dude .....
Angela L (2 months ago)
When I say no I feel so stressed. I also say yes without even thinking.
Qibilii (3 months ago)
Boundaries are important, everyone needs their personal space, especially from work. Self-care also means letting go of those toxic people in your life, reducing all stress agents is vital for mental health. You many like me, try to eat well, work out but if you have all these negative spaces...your mind will not be one with you. Thus the need for that YES/NO compass. I love how Sarri brings it out.
Kyle Wit (3 months ago)
I'm 22 self-teaching personal relationship boundaries. I had a negative, boundary-crossing environment at home. But I'm fortunate to say I am learning to listen to my own voice, create my own value system, set boundaries and respect the boundaries other people make. This stuff is incredible, and you get to practice it everyday.
Soohoon Hur (3 months ago)
You make me breathe
Rebecca Dcunha (3 months ago)
my compass has always been cloudy and i called it confusion since both the sides of a coin has its own benifits i thought it was called being understanding by listening to people that my choices took a backseat and i found my boundries violated as soon as i started college this year thanks for this amazing reminder
Noli Buxton (3 months ago)
Bravo 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Blessed to have come across this. Thank you.
Trust In The Universe (3 months ago)
How do commitments factor into the compass of yes and no? What if you have a commitment but your compass keeps saying no. Or goes back and forth. Im assuming there needs to be some balance
Ana Maldonado (3 months ago)
If this was enlightening for you, then you should read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud! Changed my life!
Tann Tataryn (3 months ago)
Excellent vid!
The Spectacular Stepmom (4 months ago)
I loved this! thanks so much,
Elsie Taka (4 months ago)
It's sad that we have to learn to love ourselves ...is it not supposed to come naturally ?
Angelic Felon (4 months ago)
Your videos never dissapoints 😎 Check out mine. Id love to know your thoughts 💪
Kathryn Nicholas (4 months ago)
Fawzia Bheekhun (4 months ago)
what a truly inspirational take about interpersonal boundaries and intrapsychic boundaries. The importance of self-care, that we have the right to say no to the demands of everyday life and our family. I look at it this way there is only one of me. This has taken me a long time as my self -belief was about taking care of everyone else unmet needs rather my own especially when you have experienced developmental trauma. Thank you so much Sarri
Sarah Lindsay (5 months ago)
Listening to this woman drink is so awful.
Marry Ollado (5 months ago)
I don't even understand boundaries until now
Liz (5 months ago)
this is my favorite Ted talk! she's awesome!
mist __ (5 months ago)
Ananya jain (5 months ago)
Very nice
AngryTranssexual (5 months ago)
Public school is where they teach you that you are not allowed to set boundaries. Try saying 'no' to a bully or an a$$hole teacher and see how long you last.
excellent and beautifully authentic. Thank you!
R S (5 months ago)
no they don't. when they are done bullshiting it frees you
Bryan Bloom (5 months ago)
She’s a mess. How will she help people
Brianna Armstrong (5 months ago)
I know y’all hear her salivating mad loud
Vikki Horchar (6 months ago)
Brilliant, thank you.:)
Jade Halliday (6 months ago)
Love this! ❤️ Just awesome! 😊🙌
Talon Higgins (6 months ago)
So if it aint chill for you dont do it.
Wendi Watson (6 months ago)
She brings such a calm, humble presence. Great knowledge for people to learn from to change their life.
Candice V (6 months ago)
I was the only child and youngest of cousins and grandchildren. I was always taught to respect my elders and not talk back. I grew up with no boundaries because of this and always kept my mouth shut when I wanted to speak up. I’m 24 years old and just now getting out of this. Looking back my parents didn’t respect my wishes, thoughts, and feelings. I’m sure this played a huge role in that all.
Gabriela Medina (6 months ago)
I have watched hundreads of Tedx. This, by far, the most honest and useful I have ever watched. Thank you
bfitnessforlife (6 months ago)
This is a great quality and so important. One of the best Ted talks!
Carmen Alarco (6 months ago)
Sorry, sorry, sorry Thank You Thank You Thank You
Angela L (6 months ago)
I'm 46 and I feel like a baby trying to learn this stuff.
Y N (7 months ago)
I would love to watch the entire segment but she talks sooooooo slow. Ughhh.
Mickey mouse (7 months ago)
She sounds so sweet
Cassie O (7 months ago)
Thanks sarri...I really need these boundaries...say no..especially to the toxic people...thank you..:-)
Yvonne Rahmes (7 months ago)
Here it is 6/30/18, and this 12/15 Ted Talk of good boundaries is as important and meaningful as it ever was. Only 16 minutes and I had a reminder of what makes life not only endurable, but brings back the happiness factor! Thanks so much for this amazing TED talk.
The Spectacular Stepmom (4 months ago)
Definitely! the happiness factor - love it!
Susan Day (7 months ago)
Sarri, you are a wonderful human being and you delivered this powerful message with so much love! God bless you! I always knew how important self care is, but it is so hard to keep up and so easy to lose boundaries as single mother with young children--- how can a mother say no to her little babies, they don't even understand and meanwhile I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. I think moms have to be more intelligent and stronger than others !
Holly von Dross (7 months ago)
Psycho babble.
Lola G (7 months ago)
Very well done! Am working on this, and found many tips of actual use - brava.
Samantha (7 months ago)
Thank you Sari
Little Cutest (8 months ago)
Wow great !
Pam Bennett (8 months ago)
The challenging thing is getting people to acknowledge their emotions and use these to uncover your boundaries
Pam Bennett (8 months ago)
Writing is a solo sport lol
Pam Bennett (8 months ago)
Boundaries unleash emotion is a good quote
Pam Bennett (8 months ago)
Get to the point and don’t talk to me like a kindergartener
fleefly200 (8 months ago)
What a wonderful, calm talk. I like the slow talking pace, it's like Maya Angelou's. To me, it seems to say - "I don't need to rush what I'm saying out of fear that people will get bored. It's the content of my thoughts that's important. I can be my gentle self if I am the gentle type and still get my strong message across." Thank you for your work.
mist __ (5 months ago)
With YouTube you can speed it up or slow it down. Love that feature.
Paul Price (8 months ago)
I'm gonna use my boundaries next time I run in to cops
Frank Lamanna (8 months ago)
Excellent talk especially the part about uninterrupted sleep. No sleep=misery!
Wisconsin Farmer (8 months ago)
If you were raised by a narcissist, you have a difficult time with understanding boundaries.
JoAnna Bortner (1 month ago)
narcissists AND/OR a *codependent. They're potentially more harmful in my opinion, in regards to boundaries anyway.
lillith jones (1 month ago)
Mommy dearest always guilt tripping.
Jazmin Elise (2 months ago)
Truth! My mother and my father are narcissists which I didn’t learn until 2016, and my father’s wife is a narcissist. Narcissism runs on both sides of my family which I didn’t learn until this past summer. This is why I never learned how to set boundaries.
Felix Johnbull (2 months ago)
+Jill Elizabeth hmmmm
Felix Johnbull (2 months ago)
Karen Hodges (8 months ago)
So tired of that commercial with the woman screaming
Merci Beaucoup (8 months ago)
wow i really needed this. i like her. she is such a natural. great ted talk.
Jeannie Campbell (8 months ago)
Great talk ..she is so clever ..Thanks
I stopped doing things in my life completely so i can avoid stress. I don't have a yes or no compass, when i am asked to do something its pretty much always yes. There is no story , there is no purpose.
Wisconsin Farmer (8 months ago)
That is my lesson too. Growing up punished for saying anything but yes.
Raj Johal (9 months ago)
Thank you Sarri for Sharing your message - this is one of the best Ted- talks I’ve come across - I will be revisiting and sharing your Ted-talk - thank you
Abi Boocock (9 months ago)
Coach K (10 months ago)
Her voice is so comforting. Great Ted Talk
TB (10 months ago)
thank you
Marv O'Grady (10 months ago)
A really good TED talk. Many thanks.
rorobyn10 (11 months ago)
Some days I just binge watch ted talks. So glad I came across this one. What great advice! We don't take enough time for ourselves. She has a calm/soothing voice.
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (10 months ago)
Thank you, this touched my heart. Tomorrow I am presenting somewhere and I will carry your kind words with me and share my calm.
لمى الشريف (11 months ago)
Bless you beautiful lady!
Courtney Chaal (11 months ago)
What a beautiful metaphor for knowing if you should say yes or no! I can so relate to the writer thing, too :)
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (10 months ago)
Thanks Courtney. Yes, the writer thing! Listen to your compass. Thanks for your note.
Chasity Simpson (11 months ago)
I worked for Sarri for 5 years at the teen homeless shelter she speaks of. It has expanded considerably and continues to thrive. I'm so proud of the organization and all its staff for committing their lives to helping those in need. It's a remarkable program that changes lives. You should be so proud every day Sarri. You are an exceptional human being that does great things. You have and continue to make this world a better place for so many.
Diana Mogrobejo (2 months ago)
Chasity Simpson Hi. I just discovered Sarri a few days ago and I had to say that she’s by far one of the best professionals on the subject of setting boundaries and explaining what it is. Can you please tell me the name of the organization?
Jojo J (4 months ago)
That’s amazing, she is also an insightful and wise speaker!!!
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (10 months ago)
hi Chasity! You made me cry! Thank you for all the care and kindness you continue to bring to those in need. You have touched many. Thanks for leaving me a message! MADE MY DAY!!
Sasha (11 months ago)
♥ thank you
Rioshanti (11 months ago)
Brilliant.. Ty so much. 💯💞🌸. Boundaries are essential to our health.
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (10 months ago)
Oh thanks you for leaving that note. YES! For our health! Take good care.
elsa Grace (11 months ago)
Meh, well I’m not a workaholic. Autoimmune disease took care of that. I like the compass idea.
Cal EuXX (11 months ago)
Boundries are about self-protection..... I wish that the aggressive responses of toxic and difficult people to boundries were more discussed.... yelling, silent treatment and other passive-aggressive bahavior including underhanded retaliation... All this behavior is very stressful to me.
Katherine Calacday (11 months ago)
It is hard and you would have to put up with those people for a long time before they get it.
james smith (11 months ago)
Stoic aphorism: easy choice, hard life, hard choice, easy life.
IGB PROductionz (6 months ago)
Wisconsin Farmer (8 months ago)
That is a good one.
Donna Salmon (1 year ago)
Tonight I can finally fall asleep.  Your words are magical and the way you deliver them are amazing.  Please post any more ways to access your talks.  I am forever in your debt you have reaching inside my soul.
Preston Eagle (1 year ago)
Self care is forever, even healing. What a great example.
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (11 months ago)
Thanks Preston. How true your words are. Self-care is forever and healing. Thanks. take good care.
Crystal Dawn (1 year ago)
Fantastic advice!
Mz modae' (1 year ago)
That was fantastic! 😊 thank you
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (11 months ago)
You are welcome. Take good care of you
annie Bell (1 year ago)
I have had this issue for years ,thank you for such a straight forward kind approach.
Paul Thompson (1 year ago)
Good stuff ,thanks . X
Sarri Gilman, LMFT (11 months ago)
You are welcome. Thanks for your note.

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